So long, my little one...

Last week I lost a big part of me.

My fat squeeze muffin, Jade, passed away.

Not going to lie… this has been ridiculously hard for me. Many people don’t understand the connection with cats. They say cats don’t have the same personalities/loyalties of dogs. Well, I’d like to respectfully disagree. My Jade has been a huge part of me for SO many years. He was with me when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. He was with me when I had to put my little kitty Zeus down. He was with me as we introduced my other kitty Ceasar in our lives. He travelled across Canada with me courtesy of WestJet as I embarked on my new journey of living in Halifax.

See, Jade & I have a huge bond. We’d have big ol’ conversations and I swear this cat knew what I was saying. He couldn’t verbally communicate back, but I knew his sounds, his body language, his mannerisms like no other.

I’ve had 2 cats for as long as I can remember but Jade was always numero uno (sorry Ceasar). If anything went wrong or if something happened around the house I could distinguish who did it, Jade or Ceasar, without actually seeing the event take place.
I knew what made Jade happy (food! Headbutts! Opening up the patio door so he could roll around on his back on the concrete. The list truly goes on). I knew what made Jade sad/mad/annoyed (empty food dish, kisses on the face, touching his front paws, FEET!).

There was a point this summer where Jade wasn’t staying with me for about a month or two. When it came time for me to pick him up and take him to our new home, he was elated after not seeing me for 2 months. He wouldn’t stop snuggling up against me, following me, just begging for my attention. Ceasar wasn’t as affectionate, but this wasn’t anything new to me. That’s just Ceasar.

I honestly haven’t dealt with the loss of Jade yet. I am in 100% denial. This I know, but I also know I’ll deal with it in my own way or time.

I have had some mini meltdowns in the past couple weeks.

Bawling in the morning after realizing the Squawking seagull was not Jade talking to me.

Waking up at 1:11am after having a nightmare dream of seeing Jade everywhere yet knowing he wasn’t alive, even in my dream.

Making company sit on the carpet in my living room because I cannot bear for anyone to sit in the spot where I found him motionless.

But… I’m not going to focus on that. I’m going to focus on the happy times we had together.

Like at bedtime, how he’d dig to try to get under my covers so we could spoon together. He wouldn’t let me put my back to him. Nope. He had to be nestled up in my belly area, my arm over him as we quite literally spooned. For 5 minutes. This was his timeframe. Then he would run off and sleep on his perch.

Or in the summertime as I’d have drinks on my deck. He’d sit out there with me, rolling around on the concrete. Squishing up against my leg to show me he loves me.

Or, every morning, I’d wake up and make my way over to the washroom. He’d race me there. Every morning. Just so he could rub up against my legs as I did my business.

Or, every night. He knew my nighttime routine: close blinds, get a glass of water, fill up the water in the humidifier. As I did all of this, he’d be waiting outside of my closed bedroom door, just wanting to get in because he knew it was bedtime. aka spooning time with mama.

Or, each night, I’d take his water dish to fill it up… it had to be THE water dish, the little ones, not the big ones. He could have been miles away but as soon as he heard me pick up his special water dish, he’d come running and start chatting away, so happy to get fresh water in THE water dishes.

Or the time a certain friend came over and decided he needed some exercise and chased him around my couch. Seriously, it was Nascar in Chez Lex. Poor Jade puffed up and undoubtedly wondered, “who is this crazy lady and why is she chasing me?” Meanwhile, Ceasar and I were on the couch… him, ears perked …Me, literally laughing my ass off uncontrollably. Both of us wondering “WTF *is* going on here????”

Or when he’d get an itch in his ear and scratch it and make a sound that I can only describe as what sounded like an Indian mating call.

I really could go on forever.

I’m going to miss my fat f*cker. It’s very eerie not to have him around. Ceasar and I are doing just fine, though.

I’m thankful for being able to spoon one last time. That Friday night (or Saturday morning at 5am) he dug his way under my sheets like he always does, and we did get to snuggle/spoon and all was well in the world. Surprisngly, I even took a pic of him *the* day I lost him. The three of us, Ceasar, Jade and myself were all hanging out in bed. I snapped a pic of Ceasar...


then I snapped a pic of Jade...


...Not knowing that would be the last picture I ever got to take of him.
What makes it easier is knowing he did go peacefully and painlessly… and in true Jade fashion, peed on my couch for one last time.

You will be missed my beautiful, green eyed Jadebum.

P-p-p poker face

I consider myself to be a very honest person. I find lying almost *hard* to do. Funny enough, I'd say I'm a faily good poker player yet I have absolutely no poker face in the game of life.

To me... this is a good thing.

However, let's me honest, I'm not going to be all high and mighty saying I've never lied, fibbed, or extended the truth. But I do take pride in knowing that what you see is pretty much what you get of me.

Lately I've come to realize that to me, a large part of honesty is actually being open and honest.

Let's discuss.

For many moons I've been a person who often finds it hard to say what is on my mind. I'm an overanalyzer and often worry that what I want to say may end up hurting another person. This has caused me to become a vault in many respects. I bottle a lot of what is on my mind for fear of the possibility of saying something stupid or hurtful. There are many times when something is on my mind or bothering me but if it involves something someone else said/did, I have a knack of just putting it away under lock and key and not actually dealing with my feelings or talking it out.
This has caused a lot of frustration. Not only of me, but surely of others.

I've played the game. I've fibbed. Danced around the truth. When people ask if I'm ok, I'll say yes, even if I'm not. Even when people have hurt me, I often don't talk to them about it because I feel I'm being irrational and/or I just want to avoid any unnecessary drama.

Let me tell you... the headaches and heartaches caused from this just aren't worth it.

Something happened this year. 2011 really has brought out a new Lex. Hense... Lex 2.0.

I stopped wanting to play the game.
I stopped putting up with people hurting me.
I no longer wanted to bite my tongue when something was bothering me.

Something inside of me kind of bursted out and I have been able to talk about what is on my mind. I have been able to call people out if they're being a douche to me, or others. When before I would have worried about causing a rift in a friendship, now I just call it like it is. And you know... honestly... The results couldn't have been better.

I feel closer in the friendships I value most.
I feel a rediculous sense of relief.
I no longer wake up at rediculous hours of the morning, not being able to shut off my brain with thoughts that just keep circling my noggin.

Being open and honest has truly proven to be very rewarding. Some people near and dear to me have taken notice and commented on how impressed they are with my new balls to the wall attitude.

If you see me walking with my head held a little higher... well... now you know why. :)