So long, my little one...

Last week I lost a big part of me.

My fat squeeze muffin, Jade, passed away.

Not going to lie… this has been ridiculously hard for me. Many people don’t understand the connection with cats. They say cats don’t have the same personalities/loyalties of dogs. Well, I’d like to respectfully disagree. My Jade has been a huge part of me for SO many years. He was with me when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. He was with me when I had to put my little kitty Zeus down. He was with me as we introduced my other kitty Ceasar in our lives. He travelled across Canada with me courtesy of WestJet as I embarked on my new journey of living in Halifax.

See, Jade & I have a huge bond. We’d have big ol’ conversations and I swear this cat knew what I was saying. He couldn’t verbally communicate back, but I knew his sounds, his body language, his mannerisms like no other.

I’ve had 2 cats for as long as I can remember but Jade was always numero uno (sorry Ceasar). If anything went wrong or if something happened around the house I could distinguish who did it, Jade or Ceasar, without actually seeing the event take place.
I knew what made Jade happy (food! Headbutts! Opening up the patio door so he could roll around on his back on the concrete. The list truly goes on). I knew what made Jade sad/mad/annoyed (empty food dish, kisses on the face, touching his front paws, FEET!).

There was a point this summer where Jade wasn’t staying with me for about a month or two. When it came time for me to pick him up and take him to our new home, he was elated after not seeing me for 2 months. He wouldn’t stop snuggling up against me, following me, just begging for my attention. Ceasar wasn’t as affectionate, but this wasn’t anything new to me. That’s just Ceasar.

I honestly haven’t dealt with the loss of Jade yet. I am in 100% denial. This I know, but I also know I’ll deal with it in my own way or time.

I have had some mini meltdowns in the past couple weeks.

Bawling in the morning after realizing the Squawking seagull was not Jade talking to me.

Waking up at 1:11am after having a nightmare dream of seeing Jade everywhere yet knowing he wasn’t alive, even in my dream.

Making company sit on the carpet in my living room because I cannot bear for anyone to sit in the spot where I found him motionless.

But… I’m not going to focus on that. I’m going to focus on the happy times we had together.

Like at bedtime, how he’d dig to try to get under my covers so we could spoon together. He wouldn’t let me put my back to him. Nope. He had to be nestled up in my belly area, my arm over him as we quite literally spooned. For 5 minutes. This was his timeframe. Then he would run off and sleep on his perch.

Or in the summertime as I’d have drinks on my deck. He’d sit out there with me, rolling around on the concrete. Squishing up against my leg to show me he loves me.

Or, every morning, I’d wake up and make my way over to the washroom. He’d race me there. Every morning. Just so he could rub up against my legs as I did my business.

Or, every night. He knew my nighttime routine: close blinds, get a glass of water, fill up the water in the humidifier. As I did all of this, he’d be waiting outside of my closed bedroom door, just wanting to get in because he knew it was bedtime. aka spooning time with mama.

Or, each night, I’d take his water dish to fill it up… it had to be THE water dish, the little ones, not the big ones. He could have been miles away but as soon as he heard me pick up his special water dish, he’d come running and start chatting away, so happy to get fresh water in THE water dishes.

Or the time a certain friend came over and decided he needed some exercise and chased him around my couch. Seriously, it was Nascar in Chez Lex. Poor Jade puffed up and undoubtedly wondered, “who is this crazy lady and why is she chasing me?” Meanwhile, Ceasar and I were on the couch… him, ears perked …Me, literally laughing my ass off uncontrollably. Both of us wondering “WTF *is* going on here????”

Or when he’d get an itch in his ear and scratch it and make a sound that I can only describe as what sounded like an Indian mating call.

I really could go on forever.

I’m going to miss my fat f*cker. It’s very eerie not to have him around. Ceasar and I are doing just fine, though.

I’m thankful for being able to spoon one last time. That Friday night (or Saturday morning at 5am) he dug his way under my sheets like he always does, and we did get to snuggle/spoon and all was well in the world. Surprisngly, I even took a pic of him *the* day I lost him. The three of us, Ceasar, Jade and myself were all hanging out in bed. I snapped a pic of Ceasar...


then I snapped a pic of Jade...


...Not knowing that would be the last picture I ever got to take of him.
What makes it easier is knowing he did go peacefully and painlessly… and in true Jade fashion, peed on my couch for one last time.

You will be missed my beautiful, green eyed Jadebum.

P-p-p poker face

I consider myself to be a very honest person. I find lying almost *hard* to do. Funny enough, I'd say I'm a faily good poker player yet I have absolutely no poker face in the game of life.

To me... this is a good thing.

However, let's me honest, I'm not going to be all high and mighty saying I've never lied, fibbed, or extended the truth. But I do take pride in knowing that what you see is pretty much what you get of me.

Lately I've come to realize that to me, a large part of honesty is actually being open and honest.

Let's discuss.

For many moons I've been a person who often finds it hard to say what is on my mind. I'm an overanalyzer and often worry that what I want to say may end up hurting another person. This has caused me to become a vault in many respects. I bottle a lot of what is on my mind for fear of the possibility of saying something stupid or hurtful. There are many times when something is on my mind or bothering me but if it involves something someone else said/did, I have a knack of just putting it away under lock and key and not actually dealing with my feelings or talking it out.
This has caused a lot of frustration. Not only of me, but surely of others.

I've played the game. I've fibbed. Danced around the truth. When people ask if I'm ok, I'll say yes, even if I'm not. Even when people have hurt me, I often don't talk to them about it because I feel I'm being irrational and/or I just want to avoid any unnecessary drama.

Let me tell you... the headaches and heartaches caused from this just aren't worth it.

Something happened this year. 2011 really has brought out a new Lex. Hense... Lex 2.0.

I stopped wanting to play the game.
I stopped putting up with people hurting me.
I no longer wanted to bite my tongue when something was bothering me.

Something inside of me kind of bursted out and I have been able to talk about what is on my mind. I have been able to call people out if they're being a douche to me, or others. When before I would have worried about causing a rift in a friendship, now I just call it like it is. And you know... honestly... The results couldn't have been better.

I feel closer in the friendships I value most.
I feel a rediculous sense of relief.
I no longer wake up at rediculous hours of the morning, not being able to shut off my brain with thoughts that just keep circling my noggin.

Being open and honest has truly proven to be very rewarding. Some people near and dear to me have taken notice and commented on how impressed they are with my new balls to the wall attitude.

If you see me walking with my head held a little higher... well... now you know why. :)

Mornings

Most people have nights where they lay in bed and their mind won't shut off and just races.
For me it's different. I don't usually have any problems falling asleep at night *knock wood*, it's the mornings where I experience the mind-racing, nonstop, on-repeat, flow of thoughts.

Some days it starts with a dream. When I wake up I can't shake the dream and my mind finds ways to apply it to my real life. Often causing me to question the reality of it all. Was this a dream or did it actually happen? Hate that feeling.

Other days it's an instant thing. As soon as I wake up, my thoughts turn on and bombard me in full force. Most of my deep thinking: soul searching, contemplating life choices, and surprisingly several big cries (this girl doesn't cry), is done at this time.

I know - I'm ass backwards.

At the end of 2010 I found myself in a new routine where my body decided it was time to wake up at 4am. This happened nearly every day for a couple weeks. Now, I'm a night owl and usually go to sleep around midnight, so waking up at 4am isn't something I ever look forward to. (And have you met me? If you have, you'd know this girl is not a morning person.)

During these weeks I was exhausted. From 4am onwards I would lay in bed, stare out the window at the single lamp post that semi-illuminates my bedroom and just... think.

Today is Sunday.
I woke up at 5:40 this morning.
It's now 8:14 and I have been up since. Most people have been deep in REM sleep and are cozied up in their warm beds likely still sleeping. For me, a few loads of laundry are now done, the bed is made, the living room is tidied up.

Some days I wish there was an off switch.

New Day

It's funny how this new blog starts in the new year.

I'm not really one for the new beginnings of a new year. Ever since I can remember I have never been a big "New Year's Eve" fan. In fact... I have more poor NYE memories than good (you will notice a running theme here... these stories are always with a boyfriend):

- being young, unlicensed, kicked out of a house party thanks to my then crazy boyf... in the FREEZING cold. Waiting for a bus (did not come). Nearly getting frostbite on every extremity of my body.

- another ex-boyf decided to hook up with one of my arch rivals and let it be known on Millenium NYE - with me standing right there - Gold!

- sitting around wondering if yet another ex-boyf of many years would ever make plans for us. Feeling neglected, forgotten about. No plans were made unless I made them. Now... this may be a little passive, however I am a bit of a traditionalist and I will admit that I do sometimes hope to be treated, spoiled, remembered, on a marked night such as New Years Eve.

As I sit here and reflect, I remember several quiet new year eve's with close friends and family where there was no big she-bang. No big parties. Just a few games, drinks, watching the countdowns across the country on TV. Those are the ones that stick out the most. No stupid expectations with having to kiss someone at the turn of the clock - especially the times where there was no special someone ~ and I'm not the kind of girl that will just grab some random and make out with them just cause. (Maybe I should try that?) No expectations on getting dressed up, spending oodles of money to go out and only be stuck in traffic, slammed back to back at a club where drink costs are inflated by about 100%.

Want to know what I did this New Years? I had a Lex night. I had just flown in from Dominican Republic in the early evening. My exhaustion meter was tapped out so I stayed in, had a drink, did some laundry (freaked out about bedbugs, yo!), watched the countdown on TV. Had a quick and quiet smoke on my deck as the snow was lightly falling. The air was crisp and still. I watched and listened to the neighbors in the nearby buildings cheer and holler with their sparklers and noise horns which brought a grin to this face.
Lame? Maybe.
I wouldn't change a thing.

Someone once said to me - every day is a new day. Why wait for a new calendar year to start a new beginning? Some days the "every day is a new day" quote sticks with me ... other days it does not. As New Years Eve approaches I always try to remember that. And on many (not nearly enough) mornings as I wake up, I do try to remind myself that today is a new day.

For me, the new year started in August of 2010. That was my new beginning. Since then I have had several ups and several downs. It's been the start of New Lex. Lex2point0.

I am excited, scared, freaked the fuck out about what is to come in this new year for me.

One thing is for sure... every day is a new day.

Back at it

I used to blog. It flipflopped from random posts, to food blogging, to a running blog. Followed no real theme. I used to care about the number of readers I had - made sure I had updated templates to appeal to my readers - apologized if I hadn't blogged in a day or two or more.

But... this time around it's different.

I've kept that blog up... for now. Sometimes I enjoy looking back and seeing what was going on in my life. I met some great people, created wonderful memories and I enjoy reflecting on that. Maybe one day I'll shut it down, but for now it's still there for me and you to peruse, should we decide to.

The writing was always an outlet. Even though I had no rhyme or reason to what I was writing, it was a welcome outlet. I want to get back to that.

Welcome Lex2point0.

So much has changed for me in the past year or so. I've done a lot of self-reflecting. Had to learn and re-learn so many things in life. It's been nothing short of a time...

Now I welcome you to see what goes on behind these green/blue/hazel eyes (/a la Kelly Clarkson). Cuz really, my eyes do change color.... Really!