It's that time again...

The Holiday Season.

Myself, I have mixed emotions about this time of year. Heck, last year I even chose to escape by heading down to the Dominican Republic to escape spend the holidays.

Epic.

Since I've moved across the country it's generally been a difficult time of year for me.
Wait...let me rewind...
Since my parents split when I was in 4th grade, the Holiday season has always been a difficult time of year for me.

Coming from a broken home, trying to split time between parents (Christmas eve at Dads place on year, Mom's the next). It all sounds easy and choreographed, but when guilt trips start being laid, or requests for more time start being asked, it's rough. I'm only one person.

This year will be my 6th Christmas spent across the country, away from my own family. I've had many a good holiday season here, but each year it gets harder and harder to be away from MY family. Even full well knowing it'd be a full out gong-show with them.

I'm hoping this year I am able to start fresh (again). I am hoping I have and maintain positive feelings throughout this holiday season, and not get into a funk that I know all too well.
New People.
New Surroundings.
New Traditions.
A plethora of laugh and love.
Likely some whiteboard moments.

I can't deny... I'm quite a bit excited.

This year, you can bet your booty I am looking forward to the Holiday Season. Granted, it still will be away from family, but I'll be able to spend it with folks who I can also comfortably call my family now.

Thankful

There is a lot to be thankful for this year.

Solid friendships - both old and new.

Love and heartbreak. Yes heartbreak. I look at it as something to be thankful for. It's a life lesson to learn from and I am thankful for the lessons I've learned this time around. I'm definitely more in tune with myself, my thoughts, my feelings and what I want... and not sacrificing myself for others and their happiness.

With that, there have been some who have questioned my morals and values. Saying I've changed. Well guess what folks... I have changed. Believe me...I have changed for the better. If you were to ask those closest to me and privy to my skeletons, you'd know this is true.
I do get a good chuckle out of those who see my change as a fault. I feel stronger than ever.

There was a lot of self reflecting done in 2010 which has had an immense impact on the events that have gone on this year, 2011.

And those events... they've been good. Reallllyyyy good.

This Thanksgiving. It was filled with hustle and bustle. At the last minute (read: NOON on Thanksgiving Sunday) there was a shared decision to host a Thanksgiving dinner. I went on the hunt for a fresh turkey ON Thanksgiving... paid out of my ass for it. Free range, last minute, fresh turkey.
Somehow I was able to put together a Thanksgiving feast. It was shared with new friends this year. Let me tell you, it was a success.
We may have served the sides in tupperware and drank our wine in coctail glasses, butchered carved the turkey to pieces. Classy much? Meh.
It isn't about that.
It's about creating those memories. Sharing in the laughs. Spending quality time with incredible people. Thinking of the dearest to my heart who although weren't present at the table, were very much thought and remembered throughout the evening.

I sat back for a few moments and reflected. While everyone was suffering a free range, gold flaked turkey coma... I smiled to myself and realized how thankful I am to have the people in my life. I realized how MUCH has changed from the 2010 Thanksgiving to this year's. Both Thanksgivings were memorable on their own accounts. Both were pretty epic for their own reasons. I can only hope the years upcoming follow suit.

I'm starting to feel that Thanksgiving is my new favorite holiday.

On normal days it's easy for me to forget about what I'm thankful for. This day allows me to remind myself of the good things in my life.
And believe me... I am truly thankful.

Let me just also add as a sidenote... I am also thankful for being seemingly gifted with the skills to cook the meanest of mean Turkey!

Countdown

Two weeks from today I will be basking in the hot Mexican sun, sipping some cervesas (a la Corona commercials) and taking a big breather from the shit that's gone down in the past few months.

Yeah THAT'S RIGHT! I AM GOING TO MEXICO!

I will miss my partner in crime terribly - my experiences down south were really amped up and taken to a WHOLE new level with a fabuloso travel companion... but she will be there in spirit. I will have mucho rummo & uno, dos, tres cervesas for her and TRY to get even just a slight buzz this time.

I am extremely excited about this trip. Words can't even describe. I know it won't be the same as the awesome, shit-show time I had at Christmas last year... but in a way, that is a good thing. That week was unforgettable.

This time it's different... in a completely exciting, unknown, random kind of way.

:)

Risk and Reward

Life is a whirlwind.

In the past few months, heck, likely even in the past year or more I have been taken on so many ups and downs.

The last few posts I was going through a lot. A lot of confusion, crossroads, decisions to make, sorting out my noggin, etc.

If you really know me, you'd know I don't exactly like to make decisions. Not because I'm indecisive... but more... I'm just really that go-with-the-flow. When it comes to important decisions in my life I can analyze scenarios a, b, & c to no end and still wonder if I'm making the right decision. I'm sure that's shared with most of us.

I've made some big decisions in the last few months. It was scary. The unknown was terrifying. Closing one chapter and starting a new one was incredibly...difficult.

It wasn't easy and surely wasn't a smooth process. There was a fair amount of background noise while I went through this but finally, yes finally we are at the smooth sailing stage.
And it feels good.
It feels right.

So my unsolicited advice to you... well if I'm being honest here, it's more of a strong reminder to myself:

Take that leap of faith.

A smooth landing is never guaranteed but hey; at least you know you didn't let life just pass you by and be stuck with those "what if" feelings.

This girl...

It may be hard to know what this girl is thinking.

She walks with a smile, even as her world is crumbling down.

At the worst of times, she'll put on that smile so that no one knows she's hurting.

She doesn't want anyone to try to make it better.

She doesn't want sympathy.

Fits of giggles or stupid jokes that probably aren't funny are her way of dealing with tough situations - when others are around.

But alone...

This girl knows the feeling of hurt.

Alone...

This girl can't control the tears.

A few seconds in an elevator,
A few minutes in a tanning bed,
A few minutes with the music off, driving alone...

She lets go.

And it feels good.

But...maybe a little lonely.

Thank you

No matter how ready you think you are for some things in life, you really aren't prepared for how you'll react and/or feel once its done.

Despite being an overanalyzer - preparing myself for every possible angle and scenario - you just can't prepare for the reality of it all.

People come and go in your life, and it's a glorious and sometimes sad thing. Everyone touches you and forms you, in some way, shape or form.

Some people are hard to let go of.

Even if it's for the better.

Somehow you have to cope. Learn to deal. Grow from it.

Remember the happy times. Remember the laughter. Be thankful for the time you had together.

I always will.

Many many moons

Over and over, paths have crossed.

So much living. So much growing. So much learning.

As always, the thirst for...it all... burns inside.

As difficult as it always was... this is the hardest it's ever been.

Timing is everything, right? So why do I feel this is not the time...

Is everything at risk this time?