Thursday, December 6, 2012

Another Holiday season is fast approaching.  I have next to no holiday spirit.  I want to be happy.  Want, want, want, but lately it just seems there's always something.  Even when things start to turn upwards, there's just so much more that brings me down again.

2012 has been pure crap for a laundry list of reasons.  "Dirty Thirty", right?  No... 
Dirty, shit stained, vomit inducing, kicked in the nuts Thirty describes it more.

I can't say there's even one person who knows the half of what has happened this year.  Not one.  No doubt, I am a vault.  I do not have that bone in me that just allows me to openly discuss what has me down.  It very much needs to be forced out of me... but when there's no one willing/wanting/available to do the forcing, all of the ghosts stay not-so-neatly in the closet.  This has been something I've accepted.  And don't worry, I know the role I play in that fiasco.  

As this year starts to come to a close, I try to look ahead at the possibility of happier times.  The potential is there.  I know I have to suck some things up.  Perhaps I'm not ready to do so yet.  Does that mean I want to be unhappy?  Sickening thought. 

I don't think that is the case..  What I do know I need to work on myself and being a better person.  I need to learn to accept certain situations; accept people and forgive no matter the hurt I've been put through; accept Life's ups and downs.

It's just not always easy. 

And I'm tired.

This has been a Debbie Downer post.  I will take that first step, though, in the right direction.  These blues are just much too exhausting.

2012/year 30 - you suck.

Things can only go up from here....right? 




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Thursday, October 18, 2012

Foolishly, I bottle it all up.

Selfishly, I rely on people pulling my feelings out of me.

Admittedly, that's how I know they care.

Repeatedly, I have tried...only to have been rejected. Over. And over again.

Patiently, I have waited.

Quietly, I have wept.

Truthfully... I don't have it in me any more. Being strong for others when dismissal is the reciprocation.

Frankly, it has taken a toll.

Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day.







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Saturday, August 4, 2012

101 in 1001 donezo

So this is the lamest of lame weekends as of late.  Bored as a mofo, so after doing some reading I realized my 101 in 1001 has ended.  I did not complete all 101 goals (expected), but it was still a neato list to create.  I will create a new one - it will include some of the goals I did not meet the last go-around but not all (hello "read the twilight series".. no thanks.) 
1
Read the Twilight Series  - incomplete.  I remember putting this as #1 when I created the list - hoping the hype would die down because I had zero interest in reading this.  The hype has died down and now its all about much more LAME fan fiction - 50 shades of horrible writing.  This one won't make it to my new list as I have found I still have no interest in reading the series. 
3
Start writing daily in a journal - I've kind of slacked on this lately but I still give myself the check mark. :)
4
Organize photo collection - this is difficult with all of the digital photos - however I have moved all of my photos to an external hard drive and organized them as best I could.  This appears to be an ongoing process......
5
Go whitewater rafting - incomplete.  Would still TOTALLY do this!
8
lose 15lbs oh yeah! :D
9
"Unplug" for a whole weekend - no BlackBerry, no Internet, no TV, no computer - this has been a successful event for many weekends!  Highly reccomend, and highly enjoyable!
11
Make a jar of 1000 origami mini stars - incomplete.  Zero desire to complete this.  I bought some origami a couple years back but I've moved onto other crafty projects I have more interest in.
12
Read 100 books - with my up and down reading phases I knew this would be a challenge.  When I started this, I hadn't actually been keeping track of my reads but I can admit to not reaching 100.  I have come to realize I read much more on my PlayBook than a "real" book.  Hands-Down.  Ebooks all the way!
13
Take a pole dancing class - While I did take a "flirty fit" class with my ex-sis in law, I never did go to a pole dancing class. 
14
Get another tattoo - Still looking for a new one.  There's way too much mainstream unoriginal shizz going around all over pinterest these days.  Mine will come soon enough, however. :)
15
Buy a house - bought it, lived in it for 2 days, left.  That's a story.  LOL
16
Milk a cow - this is completely on my bucket list and everyone thinks I'm bananers but I will milk a cow! I will I will!
17
Learn how to speak basic spanish - So frustrating that I haven't completed this.  I'd really like to take a class and learn some Basic Spanish.
18
Run a 10K race - Maybe one day.  Running isn't very enjoyable to me. :)
19
Drink only water for 2 weeks - I've probably come close to this, but I don't think I passed the 14 day mark. 
20
Go to New york City - This is definitely on the must-do list!  I will make it some day. :)
21
Drive around the Cabot Trail - Another goal easily accomplished but I just haven't made my way that way.  We have a goal to hit up the trail in the fall, however. 
22
Go Geocaching - Almost went, just about, but almost doesn't count.
24
Play Bingo - I was SO CLOSE to going to Bingo, but instead a surprise 30th birthday party was held for me.  I'll take it!
25
Go to Mexico - Oh Mexico, you hold a special, special place in my heart.  Muy bueno!  Went in Oct, 2011
26
Sell things on eBay - overrated & a lot of work. Haha
27
Try acupuncture - my bff girlie will be practicing acupuncture on me some day!  Worry not, she's certified! Haha
28
Try 5 new restaurants - So many to list.  We go out to eat way too much!
29
Go to a concert - The Trews & Bryan Adams - wha whaa!!! LOL 
30
Ask for someone's advice... and take it - Difficult, but accomplished.
31
Do 100 sit-ups a day for a month - Surprised I didn't meet this as I enjoy sit ups. 
33
Finish the 1st Outlander book - I will finish this book.  I will give it a true attempt.  I owe it to the cottage ladies! Haha!
34
Run a 5K race - Hungover, 35C outside, on my birthday no less. 
35
Attend the midnight premiere of a movie - This will not likely be on the 2nd list.  Midnight premieres are usually movies with all of the hype I can't stand behind.
37
Create a website for the cake business - no longer in the business but s'all good!
38
Take a photography class - Never got around to it. 
39
Bake an apple pie from scratch - Another one I'm surprised I didn't do.  I LOVE pie!  Frig, I used to make hobby cakes and I REALLY don't like cake.  I LOVE pie and.... I've-never-made-a-pie. What is wrong with me?!
40
Pay off my credit cards - success! :D
42
Get contact lenses - got 'em.  Never wore 'em.  
45
Learn 50 ASL signs - I will do this. 
46
Go fishing - I blame this on the boyfriend.  He's been slacking.
47
Paint and display 3 canvas paintings - so close!  Completed 2 (Psychadelic flowers & Starry Night).  Started 3rd but it's been put on the backburner.
48
Learn how to knit - Still another case of the "focusing on other crafty projects"
49
Watch all seasons of Dexter - Enjoyable...but not as much as I thought it would be.  Now I've invested the time so I will continue.
51
Go up the CN Tower - Had no reason to go to Toronto, but if I do, I will make it up.  Has been so many years!
52
Go to the hot springs - possibly this month.  Possibly.  Man I miss Alberta!
53
Learn to make sushi - overrated. 
54
Attend a spin class - Likely will start soon.  Too many people keep chapping out, so I'll do it when I return from vacation.
55
Host a turkey dinner - I make a MEAN Turkey.  Let me tell you!  Free Range Organic million dolla dolla turkey no less!
56
Host a board game night - This used to be something I did.  The crowd was ALL wrong.  Left a bad taste in my mouth.
58
Slow dance - my favorite was the country wedding!  Nothing like slow dancing to country music! <3
59
Buy myself something from Tiffany's - I was selfless and made that purchase for someone else.  Wouldn't change a thing.  
60
Complete 3 Jigsaw puzzles - I absolutely love puzzles but man they take up space, and having a curious kitty nearby is not condusive to 100% completion.
61
Organize my closet - Thanks to some more-patient-than-me friends!
62
Buy a new coffee table - Acquired a new one.  Doesn't count.
63
Go to the gym 3x a week - yip yip! loving it!
65
Go to Oaklawn zoo - I GOT TO KISS A BLACKBEAR!!!
66
Go horsebackriding - Oh horses bring me way back to my childhood.  Some of the best memories with my daddio.  A few years back some girlies took me out on my birthday! 
67
Take a trip to Las Vegas - upcoming.  For reals.
68
Play a game of 18 hole golf - I was honest because driving the golf cart surely doesn't count. :)
69
No swearing for a day - Not easy.
70
Read 6 Biographies - I came close but came to realize that Biographies are kind of unenjoyable. 
72
Hang out at the library - got a library card (step 1).  Lost my library card (minus step 1).
73
Order a fish dish at a restaurant (not including sushi or salmon) - Beer Battered Haddock.  Strangely "ok" but not something I would see myself doing routinely.
75
Make pho - Still going to be on the list! 
77
Make homemade bread - overrated.  A lot of work for an instant of devouring it.
79
Go skydiving - I will go one day. 
80
Do 20 "real" pushups consecutively - I hate pushups.  Hate!
84
Get a facial - tentative plans, fell through.  It's a shame!
87
Go wine tasting - was SO close, but too hungover.  Sorry Jost!
94
Visit the Rocky Mountains - prolly this month.  Crazy poor timing. LOL
98
For every task I do not complete donate $1 to charity - $62 will be donated to a charity I choose shortly!
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